The Bible Conspiracy

Happy New Year! I had started an amazing article and decided it was too wordy and maybe even too flowery for even my tastes. So I’m trying again. My main point: Christianity and conservatism don’t mix and will never mix. Conservative Christendom is insolvent.

Maybe they used to mix? Well, it’s rather moot now. These days you can be a Christian with conservatism as a “hobby,” or, you can be a conservative with Christianity as a “hobby.” But you can’t mix the two. Guys like Andrew Anglin or Nick Fuentes certainly try, and try, and try, but let’s be honest, that’s going nowhere.

Let’s start with one of those Golden Rules: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Notice, it does NOT say “Love thy neighbor as thyself unless he’s a retarded asshole.” Thus, it must be implied that what it means is “Love thy neighbor as thyself EVEN IF he’s a retarded asshole.” And now you have the Western immigration policy in a nutshell. And now you know why you are absolutely fucked if you live in an apartment with an upstairs neighbor who loves furniture bowling at any hour of the day or night. The cops won’t do anything, nor will any of your neighbors. This Golden Rule is as liberal as liberal can possibly get.

Now if you want to drill into details and admit that Christianity was never meant for Apostle Paul to deliver the religion to Gentiles – then technically “neighbor” only means a Jewish guy’s “fellow Jew.” Jewish Jesus was not talking about Gentiles when he said “neighbor.” But this is lost on Christians today. A lot of things are lost on Christians today, honestly.

What this Golden Rule is not, is conservative. And no “Christian conservative” will ever win an argument saying that the love-thy-neighbor Golden Rule is conservative.

By contrast, Santa Claus is actually conservative. How do we know? Because he keeps a list of who is naughty and who is nice. He is even known to fill a naughty kid’s stocking with coal if the kid’s been a jackass. Keeping lists and punishing mean kids is the opposite of the Jesusian doctrine of loving thy neighbor as thyself. Since we know Santa Claus is derived from the Norse God Odin, we might possibly deduce that Norse paganism is a home for common sense and conservatism.

The Jesusian Golden Rule is also supported by the Jesusian “Day of the Harvest” in Matthew 13. The day of the harvest is about the good seeds being planted with the bad seeds – meaning the good people having to cohabitate with the bad people – and the farmer doing nothing about pulling up the weeds until God does the harvest on harvest day. And now you know why liberals get butthurt about “gentrification” and poor people getting priced out of neighborhoods, restaurants, or even Disneyland. But, the natural way the world works is poor people tend to smell bad, avoid work, and be hooked on very dangerous drugs. Rich people with common sense naturally want poor people far away from them. They can achieve it for as long as nobody notices, and for as long as nobody is crying about the Jesusian Golden Rule being broken. I’ve noticed that some rich people give generously to the poor, and I’ve wondered if it’s like paying the poor to stay away from them. Who knows.

So-called “conservative Christians” like to say that being pro-life is Christian. This is probably the only legitimate foothold they have on Christianity, but, it is weak. It is very hard to be a pro-life absolutist. The usual exceptions to pro-life are for rape and incest, which is common sense, but once these conservatives get into an argument with liberals, they lose. I think probably the pattern is liberals take the side of common sense on this issue, which is actually not the typical side they take on any issue, and then they exploit the hell out of it for their own purposes. Conservative Christians will take the emotional side of the argument and look like culty deranged lunatics. That is the typical risk for taking the emotional side of any argument. Whether pro-life is morally right or not, it’s just not a winnable debate position. Which may be be more indicative of conservatives just being in a bad position. Why should a conservative even think about abortion if they were instead focused on a principle like “no sex before marriage”? The conservative lifestyle shouldn’t be prone to abortion showing up on its roadmap. Having to discuss it might indicate that “team conservative” is already compromised with moderates and pro-choicers among them.

Let’s not forget that if you’re a conservative that enjoys any amount of rock ‘n roll music, you’re actually a liberal hippie compared to many Moslems of today, and many other white conservatives from 100 years ago. If you think women should be allowed to wear pants or be allowed to dress provocatively, you’re already in “moderate waters.” Take a poll of today’s Christians and find out just how many enjoy secular rock ‘n roll. The ones that don’t are likely to be said to be in some kind of extreme cult. The ones that can’t handle the occasional woman dressed provocatively are also going to be accused of being in an extreme cult.

Speaking of women, liberal Christians (redundant term, really) are going to tell you that “Jesus used to hang out with whores!” No conservative Christian is going to win the claim that “Jesus was NOT a feminist.” It’s just not going to happen. Being anti-woman or anti-gay is Old Testament stuff and not Jesusian.

Christianity is quite a hub of liberation theology. It’s hard to say whether or not Christianity is more liberal than its theoretical opposite “Satanism” or vice versa. Both are extremely permissive. Both champion themselves as extremely tolerant. Both enjoy stirring up chaos against order. Both could be said to be anarchistic, communistic, and internationalist. When theoretical opposites start to look more like identical twins, it really begs the question: What is going on here? Conservatives may rightly decide to quit hiding under Jesus’s robes, but now they can’t even turn to Satan for help? It’s almost like the Bible is a conspiracy to destroy anyone who wishes to follow conservative principles or start a team of conservatives, even if they’re moderate conservatives. Or maybe the Bible is a conspiracy to convince people to stop thinking for themselves and to always wave an Abrahamic religion around when they want to reinforce their beliefs. As conservative as today’s Christian or Satanist is allowed to get is “libertarian.” Which means: “keep it to yourself and enjoy an eternity of silent political irrelevance.”

It really is time for conservatives to have the courage of their convictions and stop hiding behind Christianity. And there is no need to hide behind any other religion for that matter. When it comes to politics, religion is a coping mechanism for anyone who just can’t stand saying what they actually believe. Do you believe homosexuality is immoral and unnatural? Or do you just want to lean on what the Old Testament says and say, “don’t blame me when I vote against LGBT interests”?

Conservative Christendom might want to cry about this article and say “it doesn’t matter because we know the truth!” Knowing the truth when you’re dead and in “Christian heaven” with no Christian conservative descendants remaining on earth 100 years from now violates the Jesusian principle of “on earth as it is in heaven.” That principle doesn’t mean you get paid your heavenly rewards even if you lose. Lol, you might get paid to lose in earthly rewards though. “Paid losers” certainly explains the look and vibe of the US Republican Party, doesn’t it? Ask yourself: Do you want to win? Or is it ok with you if you’re paid to lose?

Christianity goes one way, and that is liberal.