Caffeine is Evil

In addition to saying, “Monsters and Angels are Real,” the other million percent controversial thing you can say in this day and age is “caffeine is evil.”

I’m going to posit that caffeine is even worse than alcohol. Why? Because nobody really rationalizes alcohol as being “good” for you. But everybody rationalizes caffeine as being good for you. There’s an old Jewish commandment about how you’re not supposed to bear false witness. I believe it is literally: “Thou shall not bear false witness.” Bearing false witness isn’t the same thing as lying, it’s worse than lying. It’s literally showing up to a courtroom with charts and diagrams explaining to people what “is” – “is not” and what “is not” – “is” — fully knowing of what you are doing. Lying is less worse because just a few words float out of your mouth and you didn’t make the effort to zealously create infographics to substantiate it. It’s a little bit easier to say, “oops, my bad” after a lie than it is to say, “oops, my bad” after bearing false witness.

But, perhaps people just want caffeine to be good for them. They’re dying for it. Here’s an example of the caffeine industry bearing false witness: the term DECAF. “Decaf” literally implies there is zero caffeine. But in fact, decaf coffee still has caffeine. Some people drink decaf believing there is no caffeine in it, and it’s not their fault that nobody got around to telling them the truth.

I gave up caffeine back on August 16th of this year of 2021. I believe today is my 96th day of being caffeine free if I did the math right. Anti-caffeine advocates encourage you to test a caffeine free lifestyle for 60 days to really see what life is like without caffeine. I’d go a step further and say try 90 days. For me, I think it took longer than 60 days to truly detox my mind, body, and soul from caffeine. By day 60 I was still feeling the newness.

One of the effects I felt during the detox process was kind of a very mild or subtle sense of “vertigo” from time to time. I have one hypothesis for it – that is – that I was probably often in a state of vertigo because of caffeine, but I was numb to it because of caffeine. Only by becoming sober I was able to finally feel it. My hypothesis as to where the vertigo was coming from; my guess it is a combination of vitamin deficiencies, trace mineral deficiencies, and electrolyte imbalance. Caffeine is a diuretic, which means it wipes your body of the nutrients you need to be stable – even in your normal state of homeostasis. So I am guessing that in the background of the detox process, you and your body are trying to rebuild your stockpile of nutrients – and the healthy habits that allow you to ingest the nutrients you need on the regular.

Only by becoming sober from caffeine can you finally see how caffeine poisoned your mind. Caffeine gives your mind bad habits and pokes holes in normal thinking. For example, “catastrophizing” is linked to thinking under the influence of caffeine. One small bad thing happens and your mind hones in on it. Or if your day is off to a rough start it takes you herculean effort to try and turn the day around. Just the idea of saying, “today was a bad day” is a caffeinated thought. For example, maybe your work shift didn’t go how you wanted it to. Well, your work shift is not the whole day (usually), it’s only 8 hours. Just because an 8 hour work shift didn’t go how you wanted it to doesn’t mean your day is “bad.” It’s not the end of the world.

One might think society’s fixation with apocalypse porn is connected to caffeine. Why does it look like the Apocolympics are going on in Western Civilization? I’ll put a $5 bet on caffeinism.

Sleeping! So you’ve hit middle age and you can’t get proper sleep, eh? I blamed my neighbors all the time for this. But then within the first 30 days of being caffeine free I learned it’s actually not their fault… it was caffeine! Now I can sleep through the night. I can even go to bed and reasonably fall asleep without tossing and turning and laying awake for 1 to 3 hours. I don’t even need to go for a 5 mile run to ensure that I’ll be tired. Sleeping is an art and a science. Sleeping is also some kind of game, and it’s a game you will consistently lose if you’re ingesting caffeine. If there is one thing you can win at in life, it’s sleeping, and when you quit caffeine you can finally win at sleeping.

You know why you’ve probably had a bad attitude about women, romance, and sex? Caffeine. You always hear people say, “Bars are a bad place to meet women.” You know where else is a bad place is to meet women? Coffee shops. Hell, statistically, you’ve probably really never met many women at coffee shops, but you probably HAVE gone on a coffee date. I’m sure that the coffee date went “well” but where is that chick now? You’re not going to have a stable relationship with caffeine in the mix and caffeine will certainly ensure that relationship won’t – and didn’t – last.

Here’s how coffee dates go… 1) You talk too much, you talk too long, and you disclose way more than you should have. 2) If you go home together and have sex, maybe she was able to sleep afterwards because she’s a girl, but YOU could not. 3) Your next day was destroyed but you rationalized it as “worth it.” 4) She wants to do it again. 5) You comply, and of course this spirals out of control where you’re dying to take a break and get some sleep. This isn’t the sole reason for your “misogyny” but it’s a factor.

I used to blame Abrahamic religions as being a primary factor as to why Americans-of-European-descent killed so many Native Americans and dropped two nuclear bombs on Japan. It’s not the only factor. Now I’m convinced CAFFEINE was an additional factor. You don’t think rationally under the influence of caffeine, but you think you do. You know when the decision you’re going to make is going to be a bad one but you’ve got time to spin the wheels of cognitive dissonance because, hell, you weren’t going to sleep more than 3 hours after all. Think of it as buyer’s remorse being more over-represented in your life than it should be. The only known prescription that works when faced with difficult decisions is: get a good night’s sleep. But if you’ve ingested a whole pot of coffee that’s not an option.

I used to blame Bolshevists for the spread of communism. But you know what the other factor is for the spread of communism? CAFFEINE. Mostly in the form of COFFEE. You might think I’m stretching here, but I’m not. Coffee has contributed to the spread of JAZZ music, and let’s be honest: jazz is the most communist/socialist form of music there is. (I like some jazz, I’ll admit it. But I am trying to listen to less and less of it.) Why is jazz communist? Well, it’s certainly not capitalist. The jazz “greats” were black men with heroin addictions and many of them died young. Jazz musicians don’t have any concept of how to make money. Your local jazz station can’t stay on the air without doing a fund drive (literally begging) every 3 months. It is extremely rare to hear of a “rich jazz musician.” And people that listen to jazz listen to it because they have to. They can’t sleep at night so they turn on a jazz radio station. It is the one form of music that somehow pacifies a brain that can’t seem to fall asleep. Let’s not forget that most, if not all jazz stations are bound together with NPR – National Public Radio and PRI – Public Radio International. It’s 2021, it should be common knowledge and common sense by now that NPR is one million percent communist propaganda. And what kind of countries are exporting coffee? Communist and socialist countries.

Want to know why your boss sucks? Caffeine is a MAJOR factor. If your boss is a good one and he’s drinking coffee – well, he’s good in spite of coffee – not because of it. Want to know why your job sucks? Probably everybody in management is ingesting shit-tons of caffeine. And by shit-tons, I guess I mean the perceived normal amount. Nobody into coffee isn’t drinking some kind of “healthy,” “minimal” amount. Want to know why your co-workers cheese out, spontaneously quit, or crack under pressure? Caffeine is a major factor. They’re going with the flow and ingesting the same amounts of caffeine that management is ingesting thinking that maybe it’ll help “get them places.” Hell, I’ve been there, I understand. It’s all lies and a bunch of shit. Now that I’m sober from caffeine I’m amazed at how ridiculous people look running in their own little hamster wheels. Management wants you to show up to work with “energy.” Loooooooool, and by that they mean: “caffeine”! Don’t fall for it!

I’m currently reading a book called Caffeine Blues. It’s is an eye opener. One thing I’ve learned is that caffeine is NOT energy. It is stress!

And before I finish this little article I should mention one other thing… want to know why you’re having a hard time growing old gracefully? Caffeine. Before you spend another cent on some youth-enhancing beauty product, FIRST, give up caffeine.

You probably want to know how I’m able to stay off of caffeine. The whys are a bit bigger than the hows. So I’ll tell you my whys. I have two major reasons. 1. I want to become an Onironaut. 2. I really want good sleep. As far as my hows, drinking Teeccino helps.